The Angels aren’t going to get Alex Rodriguez. It just isn’t going to happen. It would be the most ridiculous thing for them to do. But I’m sitting at my desk while a number of my colleagues are schmoozing in a lobby at the Winter Meetings in Nashville, so today we’re going to try to build a case for the Angels to bring in one of the most hatable figures in sports.
We’re also going to try to do this brochure style, the way Sam Miller argued for Ryan Klesko to be in the Hall of Fame. I’m a fan of cheesiness, so this is going to be cheesy. There’s an X somewhere on your screen that can protect you from the cheesiness, if you so choose.
Page 1: The Cover
Alex’s beauty knows no boundaries. That’s cool.
Alex’s face is always without hair. That’s clean. Also, he hasn’t failed a drug test in a long time. That’s clean, too.
Alex just wants to be loved. By celebrities, mostly. With a “Just Do It” mentality, Alex has gotten to know quite a few women, in the biblical sense.
Imagine Alex’s charm in Southern California. He could be Bieberic. (You can use that.) If you think the bathrooms at the Staples Center are romantic now, imagine what the addition of A-Rod could do. The possibilities are endless.
Page 2: He’s Like Mike! Well, sort of.
Raise your hand if you don’t think Mike Trout’s enormously talented. Now, if your hand is up, promptly use it to slap yourself in the face.
Only two players ever have hit 30 home runs, batted over .300, and finished second in MVP voting in their age-20 season. One of them is not Alex Rodriguez. The other one is! (Like the nickel riddle! Ha! Get it?)
Sure, it was a few miles back, but don’t you think Mike Trout’s still going to be good when he’s 37? We’re talking about generational talents. It’s a no-brainer.
Page 3: Injuries, Sminjuries!
A hip injury isn’t good for playing baseball, but it isn’t the kiss of death. In 137 innings in 2012, pitchers named either Clayton Kershaw or Matt Harrison posted a 2.96 ERA in starts after they missed time with hip injuries. This hip surgery might be the best think for Alex’s career!
Page 4: If Arte doesn’t, Magic will!
No, Magic Johnson doesn’t make all the decisions for the Dodgers, but the Dodgers have money and they’re spending it. Should Zack Greinke choose to take his talents somewhere other than SoCal, Alex could become the most coveted highest-paid player in baseball, at least by the Angels and Dodgers. (It makes sense if you don’t think about it.)
Stan Kasten and Magic Johnson like to spend their money in ways that just baffle everyone else. (It’s believed that both of them own snuggies.) Why wouldn’t they take a stab at A-Rod?
The last thing the Angels need is the Dodgers overpaying for the back end of someone’s career. That’s kind of their thing.
Page 5: The Back Page
Do you want to be the person to tell Tom Verducci that this isn’t happening? Case closed.
A version of this story probably appears at Bleacher Report, and it’s probably serious.