In order to push back at the cloud of baseball sadness that’s hovered over Southern California the past two weeks, the folks in marketing have given us a exclusive first look at five of the Angel Stadium promotional giveaways for the 2015 season. Sure, the promotions are a bit on the unorthodox side—one might even say they’re not real!—but there’s nothing here that Bill Veeck wouldn’t have marketed the hell out of.
Without further ado:
Albert’s Ankle Weights – April 16
When I was six, what I wanted more than anything was to “Be Like Mike.” But as I was a four-foot-nothing kid with the coordination of a horse on ice, I decided my best was to focus on being like Mike in non-basketball arenas. My first-grade teacher was a bit taken aback at my insistence on placing wagers on classmates’ test scores in the days before an exam, but eventually came around when I assured her I was good for the watermelon Jolly Ranchers I’d promised, and that I was just doing what the catchy song on TV told me to do. I lost a lot of candy that year.
In the same vein, most of us will never swing a baseball bat like The Machine, but we can sure as heck learn to run like him. Available to the first 20,000 fans in attendance, the commemorative Albert Pujols Ankle Weights don’t just slow you to a snail’s pace, their patented Shin Splinters™ also dig into your leg on every step to ensure you aren’t without Albert’s signature look of pain and agony as you go about your day. You think taking short, strained breaths with pursed lips is a weird thing to do while running? You won’t after five minutes in Albert Pujols Ankle Weights! And if you’re not afflicted with a chronic hitch in your step after a week, we’ll give you a second pair free, no questions asked!
The Trout Mike – June 8
The only thing better than a good pun is a bad pun that lingers in your mind for weeks, like an earworm of equivocality. These puns begin life painfully unfunny but somehow become less and less reprehensible the longer they stay in your mind, to the point where you eventually find the wordplay amusing and decide to share it with a friend or family member. This is a huge mistake, without fail. BUT, I’ll be damned if that friend or family member doesn’t think back on it at some point and smirk. And that’s all you can ask for, right?
With that in mind, we introduce the Trout Mike. A vintage microphone of the piscine persuasion, this battery-powered and bad-pun-inspired collectible has speakers built right into the tail so that you can provide amplified play-by-play or color commentary to any occasion. Whether it’s creeping people out at the park or pranking friends into finding the nearest white courtesy phone at the airport, the Trout Mike will be your MVP. You thought your co-workers didn’t like you before? Man are they gonna hate you now.
Note: Please, for the love of god, don’t use your Trout Mike until you leave the ballpark. Two broadcasters is more than enough. Let’s be better than TBS.