After dropping to 2-6 last night, the Angels held a team meeting. I have no idea if these are actually helpful — I’m inclined to think they’re PR attempts to make the fans and media believe the team is trying extra super hard to win. I’ve always wondered, though, what goes on in these team meetings. Are there flowcharts and discussions about synergy? Do they revise their signs?
We were able to get our hands on a recording of the proceedings at last night’s meeting. What follows is the transcript of that meeting.
SCIOSCIA: OK guys let’s gather around. Unfortunately, Torii is no longer a member of our team, and as Ken Rosenthal and Jon Heyman have said, he was our team leader. So I’m going to have to run this thing.
[DIPOTO walks in.]
DIPOTO: Anyone seen my hair gel? This hair won’t coiffe itself.
SCIOSCIA: No, uh, sorry Jerry. Ask CJ.
WILSON: Wasn’t me. I don’t put that shit in my hair. The only product I use is all-natural Head & Shoulders, available wherever shampoos are sold.
TRUMBO: Yeah, I bet you WALK to the store to buy it, am I right?
[TRUMBO reaches out to PUJOLS for a high five, who does not reciprocate.]
DIPOTO: Guys, really, whoever finds my gel receives a $150 million extension.
TROUT: Here it is!
DIPOTO: Except you. Here’s some jelly beans and a GameBoy. Go have fun.
SCIOSCIA: Guys can we focus up here now? Thank you. Now, we’ve been struggling this past week. We haven’t been able to hit, pitch, or field worth a damn. Now I’m not signaling anyone out –
BLANTON: Excuse me?
SCIOSCIA: Joe stop talking. As I was saying, we haven’t been playing well. I had Mike Butcher create an informative PowerPoint presentation that illustrates our problems, because it’s not like he’s doing anything else. Josh could you hit the lights?
HAMILTON: Sure thing Skip.
SCIOSCIA: No, Josh, you’re just, uh, Josh you just keep hitting the wall over and over. The light switch is over by the door. You’re missing it by about five feet.
HAMILTON: No I got this Skip. Eventually the lights will shut off.
[PUJOLS calmly and silently walks over to the light switch and shuts of the lights. His stare never leaves HAMILTON.]
SCIOSCIA: Um, ok then. I guess, let’s get this started. Hank could you toss me the remote control for the slideshow?
[CONGER throws the remote control through a window.]
SCIOSCIA: Nevermind I’ll just do it manually.
[MORENO, grinning, walks in with two lions on leashes.]
MORENO: Hi team, brought you some lions.
SCIOSCIA: Thanks Mr. Moreno, but what do we need lions for?
MORENO: Meet your new starting pitchers. I thought they could help. One’s a southpaw and the other is a rightpaw.
SCIOSCIA: I’m not sure these are the pieces this team needs.
MORENO: Ah you’ll make ‘em fit. That’s why I pay you. Oh yeah, can you tell him, Jerry.
DIPOTO: Sorry to tell you Kevin but you’re off the team.
JEPSEN: Are you serious? I’m being replaced by lions?
DIPOTO: No, you’re being FED to the lions. Read your contract, there’s a “Lion Clause.” Probably should have hired a different agent. Them’s the breaks, kid. Take him away!
[Two guards dressed in ancient Egyptian attire lead JEPSEN away.]
SCIOSCIA: Since when have we had guards?
MORENO: Oh those are the two players we got for Vernon. I signed them both to 15-year extensions at $50 million per year so you should probably get used to them. Sorry to interrupt your meeting. Please proceed.
[MORENO mounts throne made of 24-carat gold.]
SCIOSCIA: Right. So guys we just need to start hitting when we have runners on b –
[Someone throws a ball of paper at SCIOSCIA]
SCIOSCIA: WHO THREW THAT?
TRUMBO: I would say CJ but that would have been too accurate, AMIRITE?
[TRUMBO again looks to PUJOLS for back up, but PUJOLS at this point is busy chiseling his bat into a model of the Gateway Arch.]
WILSON: You would have swung at it. You know what? Eff this, I’m out of here. #PMA bitches!
[WILSON leaves and is last seen driving away in a brand new custom Ferrari. Legend has it he travels the globe informing those in need of proper hair care.]
WEAVER: Sorry, Skip, I threw the paper at you.
SCIOSCIA: Stop trying to cover for someone, Jered. It hit me much too softly for it to have been you. It was probably someone that brought their five-year-old daughter in here.
WEAVER: Haha, yeah, that’s it. That’s it….
SCIOSCIA: Now, where was I?
MORENO: You were at the end. [Leaning to one of the guards] This guy and his meetings.
SCIOSCIA: I was? OK then, in conclusion –
DIPOTO: Great news! I just got off the phone with Dave Dombrowski. We got Prince Fielder!
SCIOSCIA: But we already have, like, three first basemen!
DIPOTO: What does that have to do with this? We’ll play him at third. And it only cost us Mike.
TROUT: [Lifts head from GameBoy] What?
DIPOTO: You’re going to Detroit.
TROUT: Cool. [Resumes playing]
DIPOTO: Sorry Josh but you just weren’t cutting it in the middle of the lineup. I’ve decided to convert you to the bullpen.
HAMILTON: Whatever I can do to help the team win!
[Hamilton attempts to shake DIPOTO's hand, misses, and falls into JEPSEN's now-empty seat. He has been placed on the 60-day DL.]
MORENO: This calls for a celebration! Jerry, give Prince an eight — no, a 12-year extension!
DIPOTO: You’re the boss!
SCIOSCIA: Uh, ok then that should just about do it. Be sure to go home and get a good night’s rest. We have a big game tomorrow morning. And what was your name again, I didn’t catch it.
SCIOSCIA. Right. OK well you’ll get the start tomorrow night.
Follow Andrew on Twitter @andrewkarcher.